Going it alone

It is currently 1:50 am. I cannot sleep. So. Why not write?

I cannot seem to fall asleep cause I got my mind buzzed on travel plans. The past month I've dreaded the closeness of my embarkment (is that even a word?). It is odd to be leaving my somewhat cozy life for... adventure? I'm something of a hobbit and prefer to spend time baking or reading or crafting. I am persistently harassed by the voice in my head asking "why". I don't fully know and can't answer it now, so we are stifling it the best we can.

When I bought my house I did it alone. I technically had my dad as backup, but if I ever asked a question about the process he would insist that I work out the answer for myself before offering his wisdom. It felt very lonely. I'm happy I did it. Its not too bad. Given me a confidence I haven't fully grasped yet. But god was it lonely. I know if I had a partner it would have been a hurricane of emotions and fighting right up until the move because its such a stressful time. But at least I'd have someone to fight about something this big with. A buddy to lock arms and enter the fray as it were.

In movies there are so often iconic duos. Lucy and Ethel. Titus and Kimmy. Nick and Schmidt. Eleanor and Chidi. (I watch a lot of sitcoms okay) There's always a ying to a yang (See Also: Christina and Meredith). Pairs balance out. So no one person is handling all the crazy stressful. I would be lying if I said I was completely okay doing this alone. But... Alone is known. And this way I can float wherever the wild wind takes me without having to consult someone else's job, opinions, family pressures, etc etc etc. Still it would be nice to have someone to come up with the plan sometimes.

It's crazy how being alone can be simultaneously the most exciting and terrifying thing. I don't do alone well. But I've also started to make my peace with it in a way. At the end of the day we are the only people in our heads. The most capable of taking care of ourselves, if we can apply a healthy dose of reality when our brain runs away from our sensibility. Is it weird that I'm worried I'll get really comfortable being alone for a year? I'm sure I'll meet people on the road but... I don't know. I might settle into weirder habits or hobbies.

My favorite class in college was Sociology. If you've had more than one personal conversation with me I'm sure I've mentioned it. During the class the teacher told us that the key to living longer was to have four close friends. I think about that a lot. When I was a kid I had the weirdest obsession with a miser names Silas Marner. George Eliot created this character that I deeply identified with (somehow) at thirteen or fourteen. Silas was a weaver who kept to himself after some crazy gossip got out of hand when he was young and he was content to just weave and store away his coin under a rug in a pot. He randomly adopts this child and raises it but doesn't seem to interact much with anyone throughout the book. He's a little bitter but seems contented. Looking back I wonder why I thought that would be the best kind of existence. I don't want to be miserly. But I also don't want to be creating friendships with wrong intentions or without completely considering someone else.

I guess all that is to say that its probably good that I am doing this alone. Confront the child in me that wanted to be completely and totally alone. Confront the adult in me that want people in her life for selfish reasons. Perhaps at the end of this I'll settle into a middle ground where I am at ease knowing what comes will come and what goes will go.

It is now 2:20 am. Let's see if my body will rest now.